New Year Resolutions

So many people have made New Year resolutions. Some promise to quit smoking or lose weight. Some are focused on correcting their personality. Others place high value on achievement in knowledge and position. Most of them are great and noble, really.

I don’t know where I stand when it comes to making resolutions. I was once so enthusiastic about it, making goals high enough to reach the stars. However, life has its own course and some of those goals had to be postponed until an indefinite time in the future. I used to be so spirited about correcting bad habits. I have made a million pledges about keeping healthy and being productive. Little did I know that they were so easy to break. Now, I realize that I am denser than an ox. I keep falling into the same wretched hole. For the hundredth time, I acknowledge that I had failed yet again and now I am back to that big fat zero.

Zero. That is the number that should describe me right now. I have not only neglected my resolutions, but I have also repeatedly gone off the main road, taken a few wrong turns, tripped on the edge of the pavement, fallen through a hole, and dropped into my imaginary-yet-realistic-OCD-nightmare sewer. I might as well be a negative number since my personality curve has been descending for quite some time.

One. That’s the number I have always wanted to be. That’s where my resolutions have been directed at. I wanted to be the best at everything I set my mind to: school, career, social life. I wanted to be the one. It is ironic that it is just a number away from zero, but I haven’t been able to climb onto that one step. I kept tripping off the edge.

I remember the gloomy times when I thought resolutions were stupid. What good was it to make resolutions and break them? A lot of people break their resolutions on a regular basis. Why should I feel so darn guilty? I should just forget about them altogether and just go with the flow, live life as it is, let fate take its course, etc. I caught the habit of rationalizing to overcome my guilt and low self-esteem. This resulted in some content – but it was short-lived.

Now I am back to the present, back to figuring out what my stance on resolutions is. I realize that they should be different from life plans which are complex and ever adjusting to the uncertainties of life. So, I won’t resolve to do anything drastic like get married or go abroad. I should also abandon the self-destructive obsession to be number one. Currently, any positive number should be better than zero.

I refuse to admit that I am less motivated. In fact, I feel more confident than I have ever been. The fire inside of me is still ablaze. I will still strive to be the best. However, this time, the definition of the best is more personal. I want to be the best version of me. I have my own standards and my own pace. I shouldn’t hate myself when someone beats me to the finish line or gets a better score. There’s a point where comparing ourselves to others is more pathetic than it is motivating, don’t you think? Above all, it makes us lose ourselves and forget to be thankful for all the blessings that we have been given.

Another thing that makes us lose ourselves, in my opinion, is our past. Some of us had to experience unpleasant things, things that continue to haunt us in the present. It prevents us from being ourselves and creates soul-consuming fear. When I start spending too much time dwelling on the past, it makes me neglect the present and the prospect of any future. It makes me afraid to dream. Plus, the pessimistic version of me is far from attractive. I think this phenomenon doesn’t just happen to me.

So, I refuse to be haunted by the ghost of a past, no matter how dismal it is. The past should be there to teach us to be wiser and stronger, not to bring us down.

***

After all this rambling about the typical soul-searching issues of an individual like me, what is my point? In the end, I can think of one meaningful resolution to suit myself:

I want to be more grateful for everything. I thank Allah for my loving family, for all my friends, for my relatively sane mind, for my healthy body, for my current occupation, and last but not least, for the chance to be myself. After everything that has happened – the hardships, the confusion, and the hysteria – I am still here, alive and free, with all my blessings and so many opportunities to become a better version of me.

Therefore, this year, I present to you… Naya 1.1! She is driven, optimistic, and tough. She is full of wonderful dreams and isn’t afraid to achieve them. She believes in Allah and her religion. She loves her family and friends very much and she works hard to make them proud of her. Her passion is English Literature, music, and art but she is also interested in math, science, and computers. She enjoys going to the beach, the mountains, waterfalls, and caves but she hates getting dirty. She likes eating fresh and healthy food, especially vegetables and fruit – with the exception of fried duck, lamb, and steak .

She is both a workaholic and a couch potato. She is individualistic but easy-going. She is critical but absentminded. She is stubborn but amiable. She is just one person but she’s so much more…

She might sound like a bundle of contradictions, but she is certain of who she is and what she wants to be.

Like every individual, she is special and she cherishes this fact with all her heart.

She welcomes the New Year with a wave of enthusiasm for all the exciting things that may come.

Happy New Year, Everyone!